Wetin married men dey face daily na real struggle, from family wahala to funny gist wey go make you laugh.
My brother, if dem tell you say marriage na small thing, abeg tell dat person make e go sleep. Marriage no be beans! Especially for we men, e be like say dem dey use us do experiment sometimes. One minute you dey feel like king, the next minute you dey wonder how you take become houseboy for your own kingdom.
Marriage na war wey dem no dey fight with cutlass or gun. Na silent war of “yes, dear,” “I’m sorry,” and “you’re right.” My guy, even if you no wrong, just accept am. Because if you argue, na you go still lose. Imagine say you dey quarrel with your wife, she go just remember something wey you do in 2015 wey you don forget. “You see your life? That’s how you left the gate open when we were dating!” Hian! Na so e take start again.
One funny thing be say, as married man, your money no be your money again. E be like say once pastor talk “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” na sign you don sign wey mean your account na community chest. My brother, you no fit hide salary again. Even if you try, na lie! Women dey smell money like dog dey smell meat. You go hear, “Babe, is that not alert I heard on your phone?” You sef go dey wonder how dem dey take decode everything like Inspector Gadget.
You go dey hear things like, “Baby, I need urgent 20k for one project.” You go ask which project, she go vex: “Is it because of ordinary 20k? Forget it!” Omo, you go just jejely transfer am before peace go disappear from your house.
My guy, forget privacy for marriage. You see that your favorite chair? That chair wey you dey use watch match before? Na your wife own now. You no go even sabi when she take annex the place like say she be colonial master. Small time, na she and her wrapper go dey there with Netflix and Zobo. If you talk, she go remind you say, “Babe, I thought you said marriage is about sharing.” Sharing ke? Sharing dey pain o!
Another wahala be say, your wife go turn motivational speaker anytime wey she want you to do something. Imagine say you don plan to relax, stretch your legs, and chop nkwobi after work. My brother, forget am. She go just start: “Babe, you know as a man, you have to set an example. Let the kids see you washing the plates sometimes. It’s inspiring.” Na so you go see yourself dey scrub pot wey dem use cook Egusi soup for three hours.
Marriage na place where you go learn patience by force. You fit dey outside dey honk horn for her to come out, but no, she dey arrange her gele inside house. You go shout, “Babe, we’re late!” She go answer, “I’m almost done.” My brother, that “almost done” na minimum 30 minutes extra waiting time. But if na you dey delay, she go start, “Why are you like this? You never take anything serious in your life!”
Food for married man na another wahala. Before you marry, you dey enjoy mama put and suya joint. But once you marry, na her food or nothing. One day she go give you spaghetti wey look like noodles and tell you say na “fusion cooking.” You no fit talk, because if you talk, na trouble. You go just chop am dey smile like mumu.
And no forget, your wife get unpredictable mood swings. One moment she go dey smile, next moment she go vex for reason wey you no understand. “Babe, why you dey vex?” She go answer, “You should know.” My brother, how you wan take sabi? You no be magician!
Children go come join the drama. If you think say you go get time to rest after work, na lie! You go come back house, na “Daddy, carry me,” “Daddy, my toy is broken,” “Daddy, can we go to the moon?” Even for midnight when you wan rest, one pikin go enter your room dey stand for your front like ghost. “Daddy, I want water.” You go dey wonder if na you be landlord for water corporation.
If dem born twins, forget am, my guy. Twins no dey hear word! One go dey climb table, the other one go dey use crayon scatter your important office document. You go shout tire, dem no go even send you. And your wife go just sit down for corner dey laugh, “Babe, they are just children. Relax.”
Social life? Forget that one too. Before you marry, you fit hang out with the boys for bar till 12 midnight. But as married man, your wife go just call you by 9 pm: “Where are you?” You go stammer like JAMB candidate. “Err… I’m just with the boys.” Next thing, you go hear, “Boys are not serious. A married man should be home with his family.” Omo, before she finish talk, you don dey drive go house.
Even for wedding party, you no go get peace. As single guy, you dey dance anyhow, dey collect jollof and beer. But as married man, na you go dey babysit. Your wife go dey snap selfie, dey enjoy, while you dey hold diaper bag. People go pass you dey nod like, “Good man.” Good man dey suffer o!
Another thing be say, you go learn new survival skills. You fit no sabi lie before, but as married man, you go develop am. Your wife go ask, “Babe, do you like my new hairstyle?” You no fit tell am say e no fine, because if you try am, na silent treatment for two weeks. You go just smile dey answer, “Wow, it’s beautiful!” Meanwhile, for your mind you dey think say her barber dey vex.
Marriage sef go humble you when e reach sickness. Before you marry, if you cough small, everybody dey rush you with drugs and soup. But as married man, your wife go just look you and say, “It’s not that serious. Drink warm water.” But make she sneeze once, na you go become her nurse. You go buy drugs, make pepper soup, and still rub her back.
But despite all these wahala, my guy, marriage sweet o! E get one kind joy wey dey inside when your wife and children dey happy. That moment when your wife look you say, “Babe, thank you for everything,” e go be like say na gold medal you win for Olympics.
So, my brother, if you dey think say marriage na easy thing, abeg park well. E no easy at all, but the laughter and memories go make am worth every stress. Na why dem talk say love na sweet potato. Sometimes e hard to peel, but when you chop am, you go enjoy!
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